i never thought i'd cry at my own funeral... and yet here i am

the grief of the quantum jump. the funeral for the death of your old identity.

my favorite tantric teaching that i have never been able to unknow is one that says that god/dess lives in each of us. and if you decide to see every human on your path as god, you will live a life of beauty, understanding, and immense growth. because that means god is showing up for you through every interaction. those perceived as lucky, beautiful, and pouring with love… as well as those we view as irritating, sad, and downright fucking disrespectful. but at the end of the day, we get to choose what it means to us.

this matters for this pouring of my heart. but first… i need to tell you the story about how i sat at my own funeral.

i was grateful to experience a work trip these last couple of days that allowed me an immense amount of downtime. i hung out at the pool. took myself out to dinner on a date with my book. meditated. went within.

in some of this downtime, i also ventured to my hotel’s spa for a three-hour “passport” to all their healing spaces. i’m talking sauna. salt room. orchid lounge. and then their infamous vitality pools. five pools at varying degrees that you can immerse yourself in while you move through whatever it is you want to move through.

i didn’t make it to those pools, but i did make it to their state-of-the-art lounge chairs in the corner, heated perfectly to your body temperature. and as i sat between two women, and put in my ear pods to meditate… i found myself not relaxing, but instead bawling my eyes out.

to set the picture properly: i’m talking world-class spa. and i’m talking blonde girl in a bikini with tears streaming down her face.

there was no missing me. there was no moving of me.

i guess like most deaths, you don’t really get to choose when and where they occur. that’s divine’s doing… and boy did she do.

so i sat there. and i sat there. and i surrendered into this overwhelming feeling of grief. a dark abyss. like someone had died type grief. the heaviness i felt was similar to when my grandmother (and namesake) died. it was like i was suffocating in a room of my own ribcage.

you see, in quantum energetics, there is this thing called an identity death.

your body, your spirit, and your soul start to grieve the old life that you had right before you massively leap into the new one you’ve decided you’re going to live.

i have read about this moment, studied it… helped others walk it... i’ve even channeled deep messages about these moments… gone through a few mini deaths myself. but when i tell you i’ve never experienced anything as intensely… well, trust me.

because… while i didn’t know it at the time, i was at my own funeral.

now it sounds annoyingly cliché to say that an old version of me is dying. because while i know that to be utterly true, it doesn’t actually feel that way in my soul. it doesn’t feel at all the way that the books talk about it.

actually, in my heart, it feels like i’m coming to meet the most alive, spiritually online, most powerful state of self that i’ve ever experienced. the version that genuinely gets everything she wants.

and while i’m not quite on the other side… and while i know that good spiritual teachers would wait until they see the rainbows, taste the gold, and are immersed in the wildest love and career of their life before telling you all of this…

i’m not “good spiritual teachers.” i’m just jillian. and i want you to know what the reality feels like when you’re in it, because i have never felt so alone in my life.

when you’re here… in the middle of the quantum leap… it sort of feels like spirit puts you in a vacuum of you, yourself, your hopes, your dreams, your hurts, the times people let you down, the times you won, the times you lost… and it hits you with this immense force that you can barely get a breath full enough to process what’s going on.

there’s this very hard feeling to describe that holds the contradiction of feeling raw, cracked open, and wildly vulnerable… and this feeling that within the outside world you are utterly alone. that no one could possibly hold you through this. so you shut down, shut away, shut off.

my life feels entirely up in the air. like all my chips are on the table for everyone to see. and it’s going to be do or die time where the right people sit the fuck down, double down, and do what they need to do to be a part of this new state of being.

or… they fold and we walk away.

i feel like i don’t know much in this moment. but there are a few things that i am wholly sure of, and if you are in this space, i need you to be wholly sure of them, too:

1. you’re going to be more than okay. i have this knowing in my soul that rivals the strongest i’ve ever had. things are going to be very, very okay for you. life is going to be really fucking beautiful, actually.

2. you feel really alone right now. but it’s because you don’t get to be attached to anyone or anything. it all has to go up on that betting table. every single piece of your life. every person. every job. every dream. there is no control here. human relationships feel thin because they are calibrated to an old version of you… and since the new version hasn’t landed fully… you’re in an in-between, so of course, your relationships will be, too.

3. divine is loud af right now because it’s the only relationship that can hold with absolute certainty while you’re transitioning. spirit needs to shut off the noise around you so you can only hear the divinity within yourself.

4. when you feel like you’re closing down your heart, you’re not. you’re just preserving the energy and frequency for the next stage of your becoming. don’t beat yourself up for what you can or can’t give. trust.

5. if you’re in this space, congratufuckinglations my love. celebrate yourself for moving into the initiation of all initiations. like you’re here. you did it.

6. .. and this is the most important. many people never get here, and then the few that do often self-sabotage and go backwards because it feels really fucking hard here, and much safer back there. it almost feels impossible to keep going. do it anyways. just keep going.

this trip had me feeling really alone. in many ways.

and yet i had a 45-yr-old woman give me the best hug in that spa. i had another woman stop her chapter to tell me that she didn’t know me, but that she was moving through things too, and that we were going to get through it no matter what. i had rocky, the bartender at my dinner, tell me that in all his days of fine dining he had never seen a girl roll up with a paperback, steak tartare and n/a rosé wine to take herself out on a date. he saw me. i had vince the investor skip a meeting with a bunch of other rich men to discuss investments on their last day, because i was the most interesting conversation he had all trip. i had lydia open a back room for me to try on a swimming suit at the hotel pool against policy. i had alexa the pool bartender get me a secret n/a drink not on the menu because it was the best one there was and she just loved my energy and wanted me to have it. and as i’m writing this (and may have been crying again on the very public flight) alberto the flight attendant just gave me extra cookies and told me a story i actually found hilarious.

i may have attended my own funeral this week. but look at all those who joined me. there is support and love and care everywhere. every single person can remind you that you are seen, that you are special, that you are loved, that you hold power that even you sometimes can’t see or feel.

this is what i meant at the start. see every human on your path as god, and god will never stop finding you.

and if you made it this far, and if you feel like you’re in the dark too… i know it’s scary and sad and honestly? kinda shitty in here.

and i also know that you will make it out alive. not just alive.. but you know.. alive.

i love you.

me.