i may or may not start an advice column. this is the shit i get paid thousands of dollars an hour to do. a blend of wisdom, deeply channeled messages, strategy, and love.

it’s been a dream of mine since i feel in love with phoebe on charmed. iykyk.

i flow with what feels alive, and this feels alive.

first 13 to comment on this article and restack this post will get their questions answered. i will keep you anonymous if you prefer… just comment AND THEN DM me if you want to keep your question private.

the more information the better. always. what you put in, is what you receive xo

happy soul searching my loves.

my favorite tantric teaching that i have never been able to unknow is one that says that god/dess lives in each of us. and if you decide to see every human on your path as god, you will live a life of beauty, understanding, and immense growth. because that means god is showing up for you through every interaction. those perceived as lucky, beautiful, and pouring with love… as well as those we view as irritating, sad, and downright fucking disrespectful. but at the end of the day, we get to choose what it means to us.

this matters for this pouring of my heart. but first… i need to tell you the story about how i sat at my own funeral.

i was grateful to experience a work trip these last couple of days that allowed me an immense amount of downtime. i hung out at the pool. took myself out to dinner on a date with my book. meditated. went within.

in some of this downtime, i also ventured to my hotel’s spa for a three-hour “passport” to all their healing spaces. i’m talking sauna. salt room. orchid lounge. and then their infamous vitality pools. five pools at varying degrees that you can immerse yourself in while you move through whatever it is you want to move through.

i didn’t make it to those pools, but i did make it to their state-of-the-art lounge chairs in the corner, heated perfectly to your body temperature. and as i sat between two women, and put in my ear pods to meditate… i found myself not relaxing, but instead bawling my eyes out.

to set the picture properly: i’m talking world-class spa. and i’m talking blonde girl in a bikini with tears streaming down her face.

there was no missing me. there was no moving of me.

i guess like most deaths, you don’t really get to choose when and where they occur. that’s divine’s doing… and boy did she do.

so i sat there. and i sat there. and i surrendered into this overwhelming feeling of grief. a dark abyss. like someone had died type grief. the heaviness i felt was similar to when my grandmother (and namesake) died. it was like i was suffocating in a room of my own ribcage.

you see, in quantum energetics, there is this thing called an identity death.

your body, your spirit, and your soul start to grieve the old life that you had right before you massively leap into the new one you’ve decided you’re going to live.

i have read about this moment, studied it… helped others walk it... i’ve even channeled deep messages about these moments… gone through a few mini deaths myself. but when i tell you i’ve never experienced anything as intensely… well, trust me.

because… while i didn’t know it at the time, i was at my own funeral.

now it sounds annoyingly cliché to say that an old version of me is dying. because while i know that to be utterly true, it doesn’t actually feel that way in my soul. it doesn’t feel at all the way that the books talk about it.

actually, in my heart, it feels like i’m coming to meet the most alive, spiritually online, most powerful state of self that i’ve ever experienced. the version that genuinely gets everything she wants.

and while i’m not quite on the other side… and while i know that good spiritual teachers would wait until they see the rainbows, taste the gold, and are immersed in the wildest love and career of their life before telling you all of this…

i’m not “good spiritual teachers.” i’m just jillian. and i want you to know what the reality feels like when you’re in it, because i have never felt so alone in my life.

when you’re here… in the middle of the quantum leap… it sort of feels like spirit puts you in a vacuum of you, yourself, your hopes, your dreams, your hurts, the times people let you down, the times you won, the times you lost… and it hits you with this immense force that you can barely get a breath full enough to process what’s going on.

there’s this very hard feeling to describe that holds the contradiction of feeling raw, cracked open, and wildly vulnerable… and this feeling that within the outside world you are utterly alone. that no one could possibly hold you through this. so you shut down, shut away, shut off.

my life feels entirely up in the air. like all my chips are on the table for everyone to see. and it’s going to be do or die time where the right people sit the fuck down, double down, and do what they need to do to be a part of this new state of being.

or… they fold and we walk away.

i feel like i don’t know much in this moment. but there are a few things that i am wholly sure of, and if you are in this space, i need you to be wholly sure of them, too:

1. you’re going to be more than okay. i have this knowing in my soul that rivals the strongest i’ve ever had. things are going to be very, very okay for you. life is going to be really fucking beautiful, actually.

2. you feel really alone right now. but it’s because you don’t get to be attached to anyone or anything. it all has to go up on that betting table. every single piece of your life. every person. every job. every dream. there is no control here. human relationships feel thin because they are calibrated to an old version of you… and since the new version hasn’t landed fully… you’re in an in-between, so of course, your relationships will be, too.

3. divine is loud af right now because it’s the only relationship that can hold with absolute certainty while you’re transitioning. spirit needs to shut off the noise around you so you can only hear the divinity within yourself.

4. when you feel like you’re closing down your heart, you’re not. you’re just preserving the energy and frequency for the next stage of your becoming. don’t beat yourself up for what you can or can’t give. trust.

5. if you’re in this space, congratufuckinglations my love. celebrate yourself for moving into the initiation of all initiations. like you’re here. you did it.

6. .. and this is the most important. many people never get here, and then the few that do often self-sabotage and go backwards because it feels really fucking hard here, and much safer back there. it almost feels impossible to keep going. do it anyways. just keep going.

this trip had me feeling really alone. in many ways.

and yet i had a 45-yr-old woman give me the best hug in that spa. i had another woman stop her chapter to tell me that she didn’t know me, but that she was moving through things too, and that we were going to get through it no matter what. i had rocky, the bartender at my dinner, tell me that in all his days of fine dining he had never seen a girl roll up with a paperback, steak tartare and n/a rosé wine to take herself out on a date. he saw me. i had vince the investor skip a meeting with a bunch of other rich men to discuss investments on their last day, because i was the most interesting conversation he had all trip. i had lydia open a back room for me to try on a swimming suit at the hotel pool against policy. i had alexa the pool bartender get me a secret n/a drink not on the menu because it was the best one there was and she just loved my energy and wanted me to have it. and as i’m writing this (and may have been crying again on the very public flight) alberto the flight attendant just gave me extra cookies and told me a story i actually found hilarious.

i may have attended my own funeral this week. but look at all those who joined me. there is support and love and care everywhere. every single person can remind you that you are seen, that you are special, that you are loved, that you hold power that even you sometimes can’t see or feel.

this is what i meant at the start. see every human on your path as god, and god will never stop finding you.

and if you made it this far, and if you feel like you’re in the dark too… i know it’s scary and sad and honestly? kinda shitty in here.

and i also know that you will make it out alive. not just alive.. but you know.. alive.

i love you.

me.

for as long as i can remember i have seen the unseen.

if you threw me into a board room today, i’d be able to tell you which two at the table were fucking, which one is silo-ing work, which one is doing more harm in your company than good, and which human you should be doubling down on before they leave you.

when i work with others, i can see a map of their operating systems… the fears running the show, the weird shit around money, around love, around Self…

when i work with myself, i have to approach it differently, but it’s one of my favorite things to do… understand and expand. understand and expand. understand and expand.

but whenever i go deep… i never really feel connected to what most “pros” say about money work, manifestation, or blocks.

instead, it feels wildly elementary to me.. like it brings you to the library but doesn’t tell you what book to look for. like cool thanks so much. 🙄

here’s the deal:

and i could do this with the 27 other “ENERGETIC BLOCKS TO MONEY” that are listed in courses that 99% of manifestation coaches sell.

they don’t track for me. i healed that shit long ago. so now what, why am i not a million, billion, trillion, jillian-aire?

i am noticing something more and more about the brilliant men and women that have been coming into my field through a myriad of ways… and i don’t see most of them hold many (or any) of the typical money blocks we hear about…

and yet some of the most fucking hot, amazing, smart, creative, wonderful humans i know… are broke as shit right now.

make that make sense. (okay don’t worry, i’ll do it)

tonight was one of those nights of mine that my loved ones get ferociously angry about… i have a ‘to do’ list a mile and a half long and never get enough sleep, but tonight it felt important to go deep into some of my own operating systems around wealth and around love… and interestingly enough, how it’s all ties back to this substack.

so in that beautiful 3am hour.. here i am once again. but this time, it’s important you listen because i’m on a pathway of changing everything in my life… and if you remotely feel any relation to this post so far, i think i can help you

i’m not a bi-jillian-aire yet because i’ve been a benefactress who won’t sit on my throne.

i have the intelligence, the gifts, the magnetism, the vision, and the capacity. people fall in love with me on the regular. i have been almost casted on numerous reality shows because the directors obsess over my magic… i have that “thing that they can’t really put their finger on.” the first year ever in my very first business and i make $100k almost accidentally.

but then i step sideways, something weird happens, an opportunity falls through, i get fired, i get pregnant…

i kept feeling into this. “wtf am i blocking?”

i went down a path that it wasn’t me and it was just weird shit happening… but no, it’s me. i’ll always take radical responsibility for my life.

here’s what i figured out: my parents are two of the most wonderful humans i’ve ever met. they had me a bit older in life and due to complications, i am forever an only child.

these same parents worked their ass off the entirety of my existence to support me. that started as a baby when they already started saving for my college experience, then in high school when i made it to nationals in competitions that our high school had never seen.. and i kept doing it and doing it again and again across numerous clubs and organizations.

our small school had no budget to send me to compete, and i remember my parents pausing family vacations together so they could afford to send me off to these competitions.

it continued in college when i failed a latin class and lost some of my valedictorian scholarship money.

and it kept continuing when i got a divorce and needed help.

and again in my lowest financial state ever when my house heater broke down and they stepped in.

they’ve supported business ideas. they’ve loved me through it all.

so tonight, i was reflecting on personal relationships and if i was feeling soft and open to receiving (money and love are always connected)… i wasn’t entirely surprised by what was coming up for me… but it still hit like a ton of bricks

i realized that my parents never, not once, made me feel like i was a burden to them.. they never made me pay them back… they never made me feel bad for a second that i needed help…

but despite all of that, as a very gifted little girl (and also as a 36-year old woman) who sees the unseen, i felt their sacrifice even when they shielded it. i absorbed at a cellular level that my giftedness (therefore my existence) created strain on the people that i loved most.

so what did i do?

i made a very quiet (so quiet, i didn’t even know that i did it), loving, and unconscious decision that i would not cost people. i would give more than i took. i would be the support system, not the one being supported. and i would stay slightly behind the curtain, the camera, or the celebrity so that my full expansion would never burden anyone, but that my gifts were still put to good use

and this unconscious decision has been running my finances, my relationships, and my visibility ever since

and so i give. i bee-bop around my little queendom… hell i even build beautiful fucking cathedrals even though i then choose to stand outside them.

and maybe that would be okay…

but the issue is that, your throne sits empty whether or not you choose to sit in it.

that’s the thing. you cannot be replicated.

the world has made sure we believe that if we sit too long on something that someone will rush in and take our place.

i actually think that’s the subconscious thing that too many of us have relied on. that you’re actually not that special… not that needed… not that different.

but you are. and you know you fucking are.

so i’m going to reframe that. some people say no one is coming to save you. but you don’t need saving…

so i’m going to say, no one is going to come sit on your throne.

no one is going to serve your people. take care of your children and your animals. help the sick and the old. no one is going to speak your truth. no one will ensure that your rules are applied out of love and care and responsibility and integrity.

instead? famine (even if creative famine). chaos (no leadership). war (no love and no peace).

and you know what’s worse? the suffering exists not even because there is someone there who is innately bad… it’s instead that the good one was just so capable everywhere else that she never had to sit down and hold the weight of what it would mean to take her rightful seat.

so it’s time, my love.

start receiving. but go further. choose that you will be poured into. heavily. by those that love you. and that they are capable enough to do so.

start showing up. make the post on substack. then do it again. don’t even put that shit into ai so it gets watered down. just post it.

have queen-sex. the kind where you are worshipped. don’t fuck around with people who can’t hold your queendom.

i know you are extraordinary. i believe you feel your destiny clearly. i now need you to know that you are the source itself.

your expansion is the gift. your full visibility doesn’t cost anyone anything, actually it is what the world (your world) has been waiting for.

you just need to go sit on your throne and speak.

because you are royalty. you deserve to be wealthy. you deserve to be chosen first. you deserve to feel wisdom flow out of your veins for the world to receive. you deserve to receive now. the wealth, the love, the attention…

but you have to sit on the throne.

and hi, welcome to mine.

what a wild fucking first post for substack… but welcome to the un/doing. it’s weirder and more alive than even i imagined.

my inner perfectionist, valedictorian, corporate-ladder-climbing past life is cringing… i’ve actually named her dottie and while she looks really hot with a clipboard, i’m telling you loves.. this is healing for me.

so. as i’m pretending that i don’t know you are ‘supposed’ to strategically give your origin story, hero story, and 5 other beautifully templatized first articles..

i’m going to tell you how my un/doing led me to asking my sunroom how she (sorry, he) wanted to be decorated…

and HOW YOU CAN TOO FOR A LIMITED TIME OF ONLY… kidding.

so first of all, what does this have to do with “sacred work with influential visionaries, helping them remember what cannot be taught: power, sensuality, depth, and aliveness.”

a hell of a lot actually. so let’s start there.

i scroll instagram almost every time i’m on the toilet. and the home aesthetics are gorgeous. not a monster truck, hair tie, or 27 half read books in sight.

but in a space where my entire life philosophy is focused on the sacred, the beautiful, and the alive… why are more of us not tapping into the energy of our homes (specifically each room) to understand what it wants to offer you… what it exists for… what pleasure it can bring to you?

setting the stage… i love my home. her spirit is protective. i know she always has our back. but recently i have been feeling from every core of my body that every single room needs a complete overhaul.

cue: jillian uplevel because when my surroundings don’t feel normal anymore, i know i’m about to plop into a new life.

i decide that my sunroom is the first room of focus because hello wisconsin summers, you’re gorgeous.

i plop my little butt on my garage sale patio couch. it’s hot af out, mind you. my tits are sweating. i close my eyes.

i call upon the spirit of my home… and then the spirit of my sunroom.

and we begin.

me: who are you
sunroom: a closet gay old uncle who loves laughter and safety…… and sun prisms

me: what is your purpose in my home?
closet gay old uncle: to gather through laughter, to reminisce, to be comfortable, to hold the kids now at ages 9 and 3, and later at 18 and 12

me: why were you built? (my psychic gifts helped here.. don’t worry we all are psychic)
closet gay old uncle: a gift from a husband to his wife as a place of relaxation

me: what do you long to become?
closet gay old uncle: lived in. a place that thrives off human energy and laughter.

me: what have i been asking of you that you were never meant to be?
closet gay old uncle: a storage unit (ouch)

**and then it got so warm i melted even further**

i learned from this beautiful energy that it wanted to hear conversations about everything. i mean everything. everything is safe here.

celebrations. first loves. first sex. fears. embarrassing school stories. “i’m proud of you” moments. breakups. bff’s getting a divorce. others getting married. all of it.

and loves. fuck did it break something in me. because when i tapped into the essence of what made this room alive, i felt alive. when i thought about what a beautiful home looks like, this gay old uncle reminded me what a beautiful home feels like.

when you sink into your un/doing there is a re/membering.

so here are the exact questions that i asked my loving sunroom. you can bet your cute ass that i’ll be doing this with every other room in my home.

and if enough of you want this… i’ll record the meditation i channeled and used and share it here. 🥀

your list of questions:

1. who are you?

2. what is your purpose in this home?

3. why were you built?

4. what do you long to become?

5. what have i been asking you to be that you were never meant to be?

6. when are you happiest?

7. what does your light feel like?

8. where does the sun pause?

9. how should someone feel five minutes after entering?

10. what emotion should they leave with?

11. what conversations belong here?

12. what silence belongs here?

13. what wants to grow here?

14. what plants belong here?

15. does food belong here?

16. does writing belong here?

17. does music belong here?

18. what happens in the mornings?

19. in the evenings?

20. in October? January? April? August?

21. what memories do you hope are shared here?

22. where do people naturally gather?

23. what stories will this room witness?

24. would i write here?

25. would i dream here?

26. would i cry here?

27. would i invite a friend here?

28. a lover?

29. how do you change?

30. what materials do you love?

31. who do i become when i’m here

love you pookie butt, here’s to you witnessing your home as alive.

** group chat only available for paid subscribers.. and i’d love to see you in there xo

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